movie forecast: valkyrie

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

it's curious that tom cruise has received so much public backlash even though he hasn't done anything illegal or immoral or scandalous. the only thing he has done to alienate the masses is zealously and shamelessly promote an eccentric religion, which as a side effect may or may not have resulted in erratic behavior. for example, michael jackson has collected criticism because of sexual abuse allegations, michael vick has received derision because of his involvement in dog fighting, and oj simpson has become a social pariah because he made naked gun 33⅓: the final insult, among other things. but all tom cruise has done is ask people to join his church. probably the worst thing that he did was call matt lauer 'glib.' yet, people react to him as if he eats out of a dumpster or performs illegal abortions with wire hangers. consequently, cruise's recent movies have relatively under-performed at the box office. while their disappointing performances can't be entirely attributed to an anti-cruise sentiment, it did have an effect to the point that many people did not go to see his movies simply because he was in it. it's as if people think they'll be brainwashed into believing scientology or contract gonorrhea just by watching one of his movies.

at any rate, the latest film to feature tom cruise is valkyrie, which is about an assassination attempt on adolf hitler during world war ii. when first hearing about this premise, i thought that tom cruise was going to embrace his growing villain reputation and tackle the role of hitler. instead, he does the opposite and plays the penultimate good guy as the person who is leading the charge to kill hitler. he even wears an eye patch most likely to gain sympathy from audiences. i ask why not give him a sickly kid with rickets to complete the effect? anyway, all things tom cruise aside, the main reason that i have high expectations for this movie is its director, bryan singer. with film credits such as the usual suspects, x2 and the underrated superman returns, singer is a director who is able to weave both intricate and interesting stories in a wholly unique style that doesn't sacrifice substance. with him at the helm, i can't foresee valkyrie will be any different.

prognosis : 8/10

movie forecast: seven pounds

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with seven pounds, will smith continues his streak of movies without the aid of one of his biggest co-stars: his moustache. in his last three movies [and four of his last six], will smith has been sans cookie duster. perhaps i am in the minority, and yes, i am more of a moustache enthusiast than the average person, but will smith not only looks more 'normal' with his lady tickler, he is an overall better actor when he has one. consider that in both i am legend and hancock, will smith went without his soup strainer and consequently both were subpar films, no matter what the box office numbers say. [especially hancock, that movie is unequivocally a steaming turd. and while on the subject of his appearance, why does will smith have 1920's hair in this movie? is he covertly working for lucky luciano?]

as for the actual movie of seven pounds, i have seen the both the trailer and its commercials a few times each and still have no idea what the plot of this movie is. the only thing i know is that will smith wants to favors for certain people and that he walks around on some island all day. rumor has it that the plot has purposely been kept secret because it would ruin the movie if revealed beforehand. with that being said, i expect seven pounds to deliver much in a similar vein to the pursuit of happyness, although i doubt it'll be as good. and i can think of at least one reason why.

prognosis : 7/10

movie forecast: bangkok dangerous

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one of the more interesting developments in the current world of film is none other than nicolas cage's decision to sport a balding mullet.¹ to prove that it isn't just for his latest film, bangkok dangerous, he has proudly worn it with reckless abandon in his two previous films, national treasure: book of secrets and next. i'm curious as to whether or not nicolas cage believes that it's a good look for him, because anyone who isn't associated with the nhl or nascar [or billy ray cyrus] would have to say otherwise.

other than nicolas cage's creepy hair, bangkok dangerous offers action that has little explanation. the only dialogue in the commercials consist of nicolas cage saying, 'my name is joe. this is what i do.' according to that advertisement, what he does is position his body against another man from behind and cross his arms around the other man's neck as he aims a gun in each hand. not only is this confusing, it's a little... awkward. in any event, bangkok dangerous, which is one of the better movie titles, should provide decent [and unrealistic] action as well as what has become a staple in nicolas cage's movies, namely a fair amount of unintentional humor.

prognosis : 5/10

¹ not to be confused with a bald mullet, which is also known as a skullet.

movie forecast: the mummy: tomb of the dragon emperor

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i was taken aback when i saw the trailer for the mummy: tomb of the dragon emperor since it has been seven years from the mummy returns. i suppose john hannah, who plays brendan fraser's brother-in-law, needed some work. i don't think i've seen him in any other movies except the mummy movies. is this the only character he can play? is it because that character is exactly like who he is in real life, kind of like how eminem can only play b-rabbit because he's just playing himself? is john hannah a wimpy, bumbling, opportunistic ninny in actuality?

another question is why do the characters in the mummy movies keep messing around with mummies and their tombs? i say they deserve whatever danger they bring upon themselves. anyway, in this third installment, brendan fraser and company are fighting against mummies again, but with a twist: they are asian. unexpectantly, the asian mummies consist of a decent cast of jet li, michelle yeoh and vanishing son superstar, russell wong.¹ so at the very least there should be some good action sequences. in the end, the mummy: tomb of the dragon emperor should not disappoint fans of this franchise, and may even pleasantly surprise a few of its skeptics. [and on a final note, brendan fraser's son in this movie looks to be about fifteen years older than he was in the last movie, yet brendan fraser's or john hannah's character haven't aged at all.]

prognosis : 7/10

¹ it appears as though russell wong has finally recovered from a serious injury where he broke every vertebrae in his spine while filming romeo must die.

southern california's power surge

editor's note : the number following a player's name indicates the ranking of said prospect within the organization according to baseball america.

new york yankees receive : of xavier nady and p damaso marte
pittsburgh pirates receive : of jose tabata [#3], p jeff karstens, p ross ohlendorf [#9] and p dan mccutchen

analysis : by trading for xavier nady and damaso marte, the yankees actually make a sensible move, instead of their usual one based on name power. nady will help an aging and injured outfield, while marte will solidify their bullpen as their main set-up man. by trading away nady and marte, the pirates, at first glance, look like they got fleeced yet again. but by getting two of the yankees better prospects and a fourth or fifth starter in karstens [in addition to another prospect in mccutcheon] did well in helping a rebuilding process stay on course for their goal to be over .500 by 2018.

the grades : new york [a-] | pittsburgh [b]

milwaukee brewers receive : 2b ray durham
san francisco giants receive : p steve hammond and of darren ford

analysis : i'm not sure how much of a difference maker ray durham will be for the milwaukee brewers for rest of the season, except that it will push rickie weeks to play better. with that being said, the brewers didn't trade away much to get him. the giants received two players who are not ready to make an impact at the major league level yet, but like most teams out of contention, they don't need an aging player in a contract year.

the grades : milwaukee [c] | san francisco [c]

los angeles dodgers receive : 3b casey blake
cleveland indians receive : p jon meloan [#8] and c carlos santana

analysis : the dodgers have found a veteran third baseman to take over a position that has been a hole all season long, although casey blake isn't anything close to a long term solution [or even a short term solution]. but he will bring stability and experience to a position that has lacked both this season. with their playoff hopes all but gone, the indians decided to expedite the rebuilding process for the future. by trading blake, they received a notable prospect and a young catcher who will need time to develop.

the grades : los angeles [b] | cleveland [b]

anaheim angels receive : 1b mark teixeira
atlanta braves receive : 1b casey kotchman and p steven marek [#6]

analysis : the anaheim angels addressed what many considered the one thing that they needed, which was one more good hitter. by getting/renting mark teixeira, not only have they addressed that need, they exceeded it. teixeira will give vladimir guerrero the protection that he has been lacking [or vice versa], thus strengthening an angels lineup that seems to rely too much on small ball [although their record would suggest otherwise]. on the other side of the trade, the braves were able to get an everyday player in casey kotchman, who peter gammons ridiculously says is just as good as teixeira, and a decent pitching prospect for a player who was probably going to leave as a free agent [most likely to baltimore].

the grades : anaheim [a+] | atlanta [b-]

new york yankees receive : c ivan rodriguez
detroit tigers receive : p kyle farnsworth

analysis : i have no idea what the tigers were thinking. yes, they needed relief pitching to bolster a bullpen that has either been ineffective or oft-injured, or both. but is kyle farnsworth that much of an improvement? history says no. on the other hand, the yankees were able to get a considerable upgrade at the catcher position. although ivan rodriguez is in the twilight of his career and no longer the player he once was, he can still make a considerable difference during the yankees' playoff push. furthermore, the loss of farnsworth is barely a factor since the acquisition of damaso marte made him expendable.

the grades : new york [b+] | tigers [c-]

chicago white sox receive : of ken griffey jr
cincinnati reds receive : inf danny richar and p nick masset

analysis: i'm not sure as to why the white sox would want to add ken griffey jr to a crowded outfield, except that gm ken williams is still trying to figure a way to win the 1997 world series. instead, they should have traded for either starting or relief pitching. true, the white sox didn't give up much, but it could've been towards one of those needs. as for the reds, they clear ken griffey's contract and aging body from the team as well as add more pieces to the rebuilding process.

the grades : chicago [c+] | cincinnati [b-]

florida marlins receive : p arthur rhodes
seattle mariners receive : p gaby hernandez [#5]

analysis : left handed relievers are always a valuable commodity, as this trade proves. the marlins traded a promising pitching prospect for a journeyman reliever. are the marlins getting equal value based on talent and/or potential? probably not, yet it was a move they felt that they had to make. meanwhile, the mariners received a player who could be far more valuable than arthur rhodes was to the team.

the grades : florida [b] | mariners [b+]

los angeles dodgers receive : of manny ramirez
boston red sox receive : of jason bay
pittsburgh pirates receive : 3b andy laroche [#2], p bryan morris, of brandon moss and p craig hansen

analysis : in getting manny ramirez, the dodgers may have had the steal of the trading deadline, with many thanks to peter gammons' fury. all they gave up to receive one of this generation's greatest hitters in manny ramirez was two prospects in andy laroche, who so far has disappointed in his chances at third base, and bryan morris, a low-a ball pitcher. not only that, the dodgers don't have to pay any of manny's remaining salary. they have finally found a legitimate bat in a lineup that is bottom third of the major leagues in almost all offensive categories. does this mean the dodgers will win the nl west? not necessarily, but it does improve their chances significantly. in exchange for manny AND two prospects, the red sox received jason bay, and as mentioned above, will be paying the rest of manny's salary this season. clearly switching manny ramirez for jason bay straight-up is a downgrade from a strictly numbers perspective, yet the red sox were the ones who gave more to get the deal done. despite manny's recent behavior, it's still a curious decision. though on the bright side the red sox will be able to keep bay until 2009 at a third of the cost and bay will be able to replace most of manny's numbers. they were also able to keep jason bay away from the tampa bay devil¹ rays. [the rays didn't get bay because they supposedly weren't willing to pay the high price and thought that rocco baldelli² would essentially be their mid-season pick-up.] and finally, the pirates were able to turn jason bay into four prospects, which is a fairly good haul. though andy laroche couldn't win the starting third base job in los angeles, he is still young and has potential in future years. also, the pairing of the laroche brothers in pittsburgh will bring a good amount of entertainment. i can already imagine the laroche brothers cruising the pittsburgh nightlife hitting on teenagers with a bottle of pabst in one hand and a pierogi in the other. [with the laroche brothers reunion and manny ramirez hitting hollywood clubs with rafael furcal and andruw jones, this trade, no matter how it turns out, will go down in baseball history as greatest ever in terms of unintentional comedy.] along with andy laroche, the pirates received a serviceable outfielder in brandon moss and a potential closer in craig hansen. it seems as though the pirates are finally getting the idea of how to rebuild a franchise by harvesting prospects. now all they have to do is trade jack wilson once and for all.

the grades : los angeles [a+] | boston [b] | pittsburgh [b+]

¹ satanic worship no longer available
² speaking of rocco baldelli, with his latest injury simply being fatigue, is he aging faster than he should be? i seriously wonder if he has the same disease that afflicted robin williams in the movie jack.

don't ever underestimate the heart of the desperate

with the sacramento kings trading ron artest to the houston rockets for bobby jackson, donte greene and a 2009 first round draft pick, the western conference becomes more crowded at the top. the acquisition of artest definitely makes the rockets legitimate contenders to do more in the playoffs than lose in the first round. while ron artest deserves the reputation that he has, he is much more complex than a crazy person. for example, a fair amount of his salary has gone to friends and charity, to the point that he filed for bankruptcy. [i'm not sure if that's more foolish or generous.] and in 2006, he promised to donate his upcoming season salary if the kings resigned bonzi wells and rick adelman.

with that being said, artest is prone to make dumb and/or silly decisions on and off the court. infamously he was involved the palace brawl,¹ which took his reputation from an intense and arguably dirty player to an insane person. even right before the brawl, he showed his immaturity by asking to take a month off during the season because he was tired from promoting allure, a group on his music label. in addition to that, in the final minutes of game six of the eastern conference finals, he committed a crucial flagrant foul in retaliation, a game that the pacers lost by four and ultimately ended their season. and last, but not least, during his rookie season, artest applied for a job at circuit city so that he could get the employee discount.

so why would any team want ron artest? because the houston rockets cannot afford to not take that risk when they have six first round exits in their last six trips to the playoffs, with yao and mcgrady being a part of four of those teams. artest will bring toughness and swagger that has been missing in the rockets during the yao ming/tracy mcgrady era. artest's intensity has been illustrated throughout his career, and it has been both a strength and a weakness, with his winning defensive player of the year as an example of its positive and the palace brawl as an example of its negative. [another instance of his volatile nature would be the time when he broke two of michael jordan's ribs in a pickup basketball game after jordan was trash-talking about how poor artest was.] along with his physicality, he creates match-up problems on offense, where he will be able to take some of scoring load from yao and mcgrady as well as help space the floor. so as long artest can behave and mature as a player and a person, the rockets will be on the same level as the western conference elite, especially since they didn't sacrifice much in order to get him. other than an artest implosion and injuries [which are both serious concerns], the only way i can see this trade failing for the rockets is if they re-institute their hideous jerseys from the mid-to-late 90's.

¹ i will say that if not for the brawl, we would not have been able to witness jermaine o'neal punching some guy right in the face, a moment that will go down as one of the greatest to ever happened on a basketball court.

cover me badd

i've always thought that most music from the eighties can be remade into better songs today. [one instance would be no doubt's cover of the talk talk song, 'it's my life.'] the caveat to this theory is the band covering the song actually needs to have comparable or exceeding talent. one glaring example would be the used/my chemical romance cover of the queen/david bowie classic, 'under pressure.' i can't stress enough that neither of the bands covering the song have nowhere near the muscial talent of queen and/or david bowie. not surprisingly, it's one of the worst covers ever. anyway, a cover of michael jackson's 'beat it' by fall out boy featuring john mayer is one of the latest cases that, needless to say, falls well short of the original.



i'm sure fall out boy and john mayer thought it would be 'awesome' to cover this song, but i don't know what made them think that their interpretation could compete with michael jackson's version on a vocal level. furthermore, in the jackson version, eddie van halen plays the solo in the song; in the fall out boy adaptation, john mayer plays the solo. while i do think that john mayer is a better guitar player than he has shown in his songs, he's not on the same level as eddie van halen. the only reason why i think fall out boy released this cover is that they know that most of their fans are too young to know that this is even a cover song, which really is a shame.

separated at birth?

edward nygma, better known as the riddler or e. nygma, doesn't like to publicize that he and scott rolen are indeed related. in fact, he is downright embarrassed. 'riddle me this,' nygma begins, 'whose career was effectively ended when korean giant hee-seop choi destroyed everything in his shoulder? the answer should be fairly obvious.'

when asked about nygma's riddle, rolen answered, 'it sounds like he's getting pretty lazy in his riddles. [laughs] it's unmistakable that he's talking about me. i would get angry, except that it's true. ever since i ran into hee-seop choi in may of 2005, my career has never been the same. i'm 6'4"/240 and essentially in the prime of my career, but i'll be lucky if i hit more than ten home runs this year. i mean, that's david eckstein territory.'

nygma's shame has become so strong that he says that he would rather face the minotaur than be in the same building as rolen. he has even gone so far as to say that arkham asylum sounds better than going to a blue jays game. 'he's left me box seats for his games before,' nygma says, 'but even the allure of free food isn't enough. and everyone who knows me know that i love me some free food. remember, though i'm a high-class criminal mastermind, i really don't have a fixed income to depend on.' rolen understands where his brother's frustration, but says, 'one day the tables will be turned, and i'll be the one who's ashamed of him. although i hope i don't have to wear his effeminate costume.'

movie forecast: you don't mess with the zohan

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

there are three things that everyone can expect in an adam sandler comedy: rob schneider, sophomoric humor, and a domestic gross of 100 million dollars. though it's debatable that adam sandler is the most bankable actor in movie history, there is no arguing that his movies are typically successful from a financial standpoint. an adam sandler comedy will gross over a 100 million dollars is quickly becoming one of life's axioms; and it usually doesn't matter how absurd the movie premises are.

speaking of absurd premises, don't mess with the zohan looks like it is no exception. supposedly adam sandler is an israeli special agent who comes to america to fulfill his dream as a hair stylist. apparently his abilities are other-worldly, as he is able to catch bullets and do push-ups without using his hands. at any rate, you don't mess with the zohan is able to be silly without being stupid, which is actually more difficult to do than it sounds.

prognosis : 7/10

shoot this horse already

big brown, this year's horse racing triple crown hopeful [and not a euphemism for a giant turd], needs to be shot.

well, not shot, but this injured hoof news story needs to go away. to clarify, i'm not saying that i prefer the horse to be shot, but rather with all the endless media coverage it seems as though big brown is suffering a far graver injury than a cracked hoof. i understand that there lies some significance in big brown's injury, but that doesn't mean there should be never-ending media attention about it. i don't care if big brown ran five furlongs in practice, and i'm certain a good majority of people don't either.

i suppose therein lies my biggest complaint: not many people really care about big brown's injury [or horse racing for that matter], but there is a disproportionate amount of time being devoted to that story. for example, let's say that big brown wins the belmont stakes and in the process the triple crown, i doubt most people would react much different than if he fails to do it. in fact, a more interesting horse race would be one between shannon sharpe and tori spelling. with that being said, a horse race lasting no more than three minutes [and that's being generous] should not receive the hours of media coverage during the week leading up to the event as well as hours on the day of the race.

giving the run around

contrary to popular belief, the song 'all for you' is not a blues traveler original. john popper may want us to believe this myth for royalties sake [the man needs to eat], but do not believe him or his harmonica [or his neck beard]. 'all for you' is indeed a song by sister hazel. with that being said, i can easily understand why some people make this innocent mistake. both bands share similar musical styles and their respective lead singers' voices sound fairly the same.

movie forecast: sex and the city

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when i get caught in inescapable situations where i have to listen to a group of annoying women [or people] talk about their lives, it literally takes away my will to live. although i have never seen an episode of the sex and the city series, i imagine it's much like that. i also don't know why anyone who isn't a fan of the show would want to see this movie, so to a make one is a bit curious.

another disturbing aspect about this movie for those who will be dragged to see this movie [read: men] is its runtime of 148[!] minutes. there is no need for this. i have no idea what takes place in this movie that it needs to be two and a half hours. my best guess is that it is revenge for all those lengthy sports games that women feel they are forced to watch. as for the actual movie, i expect it to offer more of the same as the television series. [one final note: when the time comes for someone to play a witch in an upcoming movie, casting directors should look no further than sarah jessica parker. i can't stress enough how much she reminds me of one every time i see her in anything. i've always thought that she should be hired to play the lead in a sequel to hocus pocus if there were unconscionably one to be made. imagine my surprise when i just found out she actually was cast as a witch in the original hocus pocus.]

prognosis : 2/10

movie forecast: the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian [or TCONPC to nerdy fanboys], has been billed as being more violent than its predecessor, the chronicles or narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe [or TCONTLTWATW], to the point that some parents have said that it is too violent. since prince caspian is rated pg, i must ask, how violent can this be? i doubt that this movie will show anything along the lines of severed limbs [unfortunately]. but in the case that it may be violent, it won't be to the point that it will quench anyone's blood lust. so let's not expect that prince caspian's level of gore to be anything unlike that of live action role playing [or LARP to those who love to play with fake swords on college quads everywhere].

aside from all the larping, the movie has the pevensie children returning to narnia one year later, only to discover that a thousand years has passed in narnia time. not only that, narnia has gone to pot. although most of the creatures that they knew are gone, the children do encounter some old friends, like the lion with an irish accent.¹ [i guess life expectancies of lions are higher in narnia for whatever reason. perhaps it is because there are no hyenas in narnia.] the children then ally themselves with the movie's namesake to capture the throne [or something]. in the end, there shouldn't be any surprises as to what will happen. it'll just be more of the same as the preceding edition. whether that's good or bad chiefly depends on previous impressions.

prognosis : 7/10

¹ similarly, the dragon in dragonheart has a scottish accent. it is a mystery as to how they gained such accents.

the hunter has become the hunted

there are some species of shark that are known to live up to a hundred years. unfortunately, for the james woods vehicle, shark, this will not be the case. on may 13th, 2008, cbs officially announced that shark would not be coming back for its third season, much to the dismay of its handful of fans. [personally i am not a fan, having only seen one episode.] when first being introduced by an avid follower to shark, it was described as a show where 'james woods is a successful defense attorney who becomes a prosecutor, so he knows all of the defense's dirty tricks. and his name sebastian stark, and that's why they call him shark!' well, if that doesn't draw anyone to watch the show, then i don't know what will. in the absence of watching james woods tough talk everyone on sunday nights this fall, i suppose i will surrender and give this sunday night football thing a try.

movie forecast: speed racer

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

don't be fooled. the wachowskis' inspiration for speed racer isn't the original speed racer cartoon, but mario kart 64's rainbow road. in fact, with its unique [read: terrible] visual style, the wachowskis look to unseat willy wonka and the chocolate factory as the trippiest movie ever. sure, it's rated pg, but don't believe for a second that they aren't secreting targeting the same type of people [babies excluded] who spend friday nights watching baby einstein.

it's unfortunate that the wachowskis chose to make speed racer a movie that honestly can only be enjoyed with the aid of hallucinogenics, since they could have chose any other movie to force upon the public their vision. instead, they chose to submarine a franchise with a decent following by making it look like a pinball game. i highly doubt that anyone would want to see this movie with the way it was filmed, let alone more subsequent movies in such a manner. although i do want it to be successful so that the wachowskis will say that there two more movies in the works and that they always envisioned speed racer as a trilogy, thus leading to overhyped and ridiculously awful sequels. anyway, underneath the veneer of visual psychedelia may lie a decent movie, but it won't be enough. in the end, the actors involved probably will look back and sheepishly regret ever being connected to such a film, while the wachowskis will think of new ways to ruin good movies.

prognosis : 3/10

movie forecast: iron man

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

the first two things that came to mind when i first heard that there was going to be an iron man movie starring robert downey jr were [1] who exactly is iron man's main enemy [answer: no one knows, not even wikipedia] and [2] what percentage of people going to see this movie will think this is an ozzy osborne biopic [answer: 3% in the united states overall, 35% in east tennessee]. but by far the most fascinating aspect of this movie is how much robert downey jr looks like a young al pacino in this movie, but based only on what al pacino looks like today. the thing is that young al pacino looks nothing like robert downey jr, but if people who didn't know what al pacino looked like in his younger days had to guess what al pacino looked like when he was young, they would most likely say that he looked more like robert downey jr in iron man than al pacino in serpico. this is so uncanny that while watching the trailers i'm basically waiting for robert downey jr to belt out a hearty 'hoo-rah!' after putting on the iron man suit.

another thing about iron man that is in its favor is its talented cast. for example, it includes robert downey jr, who was nominated for an oscar for chaplin, terrence howard, who was nominated for an oscar for hustle and flow, gwyneth paltrow [barely mentioned in the ads by the way], who won an oscar for shakespeare in love and director [and recurring friends guest superstar] jon favreau, who has seen the movie oscar multiple times. but even with a quality ensemble, none of its promotions rely on the big names but instead actual substance [unlike batman and robin, which almost singlehandedly killed comic book movies]. anyway, iron man surprisingly looks like it has amazing special effects and quite possibly be enjoyable, which almost guarantees a sequel [in which case i hope al pacino plays iron man's father].

prognosis : 8/10

movie forecast: the forbidden kingdom

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when i heard that jackie chan and jet li were going to do a movie together, i first thought that this movie will once and for all show any doubters that jackie chan indeed speaks better english than jet li. [although jet li's english has come a long way from romeo must die, when he could only muster lines such as 'two words, off duty' and 'hey brother, american football!' sadly, this development is far less entertaining.] this movie should also illustrate that jackie chan's acting and martial arts style translates better to movies, since most of his action scenes seem like they are without much technical aid while in jet li's recent movies it almost always appears like his fighting is enhanced either by wires or subpar cgi.

though the idea of two of the most successful chinese actors doing a film together is applauded, the decision of having it be a period piece is a bit disappointing. a much more interesting premise would be some type of gritty good cop-bad cop type of movie along the lines of the departed [or the equally good foreign film on which it was based, infernal affairs], but with much more kicking and punching. one other thing that bothers me is jackie chan's long gray granny hair. it makes him look like a elderly rastafarian. at any rate, i do think having jackie chan and jet li on the same screen is enough to be entertaining, but the forbidden kingdom looks as though that is all it can offer in support of what most likely is a weak plot.

prognosis : 6/10

2008 ncaa men's basketball tournament

editor's note: click on the bracket to be able to actually read it.

yes, i know that i have all four number one seeds making the final four. and yes, i know that has never happened. and yes, i know people who don't watch about college basketball usually have all four number one seeds making the final four, mostly because those people can't fathom a number one seed ever losing to a lower seed [even though it happens every year]. but none of those statements are legitimate reasons as to why all four number one seeds won't make it to the final four this year.

movie forecast: never back down

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

with the recent of rash of mind-numbing movies like 10,000 bc [or as i like to call it, the tale of bob marley] and dumbsday doomsday, at first glance the djimon hounsou vehicle, never back down, seems to fall into that category. sure, it's an obvious attempt to capitalize on the recent popularity in mixed martial arts [mma] and the historically reliable angst in male teenagers. but what gives never back down an edge over the aforementioned movies is its unknown potential for unintentional comedy. between djimon hounsou acting as a mma trainer and the horribly unrealistic fight scenes and generally bad acting by generally bad actors, the humor may be limitless. this element can elevate this picture to a higher level in the same way that it made the fast and the furious¹ one of the most rewatchable movies in history.

one of the movies that never back down is being [incorrectly] compared to is fight club, which i don't understand since the those two movies have nothing in common except for fighting within a contained circle. a more fitting juxtaposition would be fight club being [correctly] compared to its predecessor, lionheart.² anyway, never back down is more like step up [or step up 2: the streets], except that it has arm bars instead of pas de chats. comparisons aside, hopefully there is enough unintentional comedy, otherwise it really won't have that much to offer. [well, not much except for people kicking punching bags so hard that they unbelievably slide across the room. i suppose that can happen if they are attached to some sort of track on the ceiling as opposed to being attached at a pivot, in which case there's no point in using that type of punching bag.]

prognosis : 7/10

¹ nobody can tell me that any scene with paul walker and/or vin diesel isn't the most entertaining thing ever.
² with one of the most memorable scenes in cinema, jean-claude van damme taught everyone that fighting another man in an empty pool may be the most dangerous [and enjoyable] thing ever.

for shame

it looks like jim carrey has hit rock bottom. on the march 12, 2008 telecast of american idol, jim carrey sat in the audience dressed up as an elephant to promote his new movie, horton hears a who! though i understand that jim carrey was probably asked to do so by fox movie executives, it doesn't excuse the fact that he did it. perhaps i'm wrong, but i don't think people enjoy seeing a desperate man's career shatter before their eyes. for the record, he wore elephant ears, an elephant trunk, elephant hands and elephant feet while holding a plush flower. it was probably the most humiliating moment in his life [which includes once bitten, a vampire movie with faye dunaway]. as i was watched jim carrey being interviewed by ryan seacrest, i could not help but think of his descent from a $20 million-per-picture actor to someone who has to don an elephant costume to pitch a kids movie. not only did this display demonstrate his fall, but it also showed that he has no shame. needless to say, it was an awful car wreck of a sight. the biggest question that this raises is where he will go from here, although i'm more curious as to what exactly is holding up the elephant trunk, because it certainly isn't his dignity.

movie forecast: college road trip

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when i first heard that there was going to be a movie called college road trip with martin lawrence and raven-symoné, i thought it was going to be a black alternate version of road trip, like something along the lines of the wiz. boy was i wrong. having raven-symoné should have been the first clue as to that. and if somehow that didn't tip me off, then the inclusion of donnie osmond definitely would have. speaking of donnie osmond, many of the early commercials and trailers barely showed him, but as its opening grew near, he's become quite prominent in them. my reason behind the change is that he's testing well in pre-release screenings. except for a certain demographic, this may not be a good sign.

with a cast of martin lawrence, raven-symoné, donnie osmond and a piglet, college road trip may be the first film to cover each and every family movie angle [which, i suppose, is wise from a financial standpoint]. martin lawrence appeals to adults [and a certain race]; raven-symoné appeals to the disney crowd; donnie osmond appeals to older adults [and a certain religion]; and the piglet [not to be confused with raven-symoné] appeals to anyone who likes baby animals [which basically includes everyone except for gargamel]. anyway, it's tough to tell if this movie will be funny or not, but it's not far-fetched to say that it can be entertaining. as long as martin lawrence isn't too family-oriented, this movie has a chance of offering something more than a tiny pig running around.

prognosis : 6/10

happy president's day

on a side note, i've always wondered if washington and lincoln would resent celebrating both their birthdays on the same day. it's like when parents celebrate two of their kids' birthdays on the same day so they can save on gifts. is the american government that lame? on another side note, i strongly encourage that this image be printed and then colored. i am certain they would appreciate the pigment.

movie forecast: jumper

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

my first and subsequently, most lasting impression of jumper is that it seemed like a movie that was specifically made for emo kids. when i found out that it was being released on valentine's day, i could only imagine the rejoicing of emo couples everywhere. i have no reason to think this except that this movie seems to be conglomeration of all things extremely trendy. that, and i can see all of its characters shopping at hot topic, especially hayden christensen.

i do wonder why samuel l. jackson chose to dye his hair blonde. my only conclusion is that he wanted to look like eve. as for the movie, the only thing that i know is that there are people who can transport their bodies, but they don't like that other people can also do it, so they fight each other. basically it's as if nightcrawler cloned himself several times and the resulting clones had disputes that can only be settled by murder. i'm not sure if that's something that i want to see. but then again, i wear pants that actually fit.

prognosis : 5/10

top 10 candy bars

10. fundamentally, 3 musketeers is a milky way without the caramel, and milky way is a snickers without the peanuts. it's basically the middle class candy bar.

9. i don't care what anybody says, this tastes way better than a krackel.



8. it's a good thing they separate the wafers, because i don't think anyone wants to eat a giant wafer at once.



7. the tim tam slam is the best thing on this list. and although they're still good, they aren't the same without the hot chocolate.

6. i'm pretty sure i remember a soccer player eating snickers to help him train. i don't know whether snickers helps or that he was just the dumbest soccer player ever.

5. i think the main reason twix comes in two bars is to appeal to parents who have trouble dividing candy among their two children evenly. otherwise, i see no other reason.

4. how do i eat a reese's peanut butter cup? like a normal human being, not like some weirdo.



3. the only way that i can justify m&m's on a this list is that it is chocolate, it's sold where all these other candy bars are sold and it tastes like a candy bar. anyway, i would these even they talked and had legs.


2. this is the densest candy bar ever. what i mean is that it felt like i ate an entire meal after eating just one. without a doubt, its density is the most impressive thing i've ever experienced.

1. the 100 grand bar includes three of my favorite things in confectionery: chocolate, caramel and crisped rice. simply put, it's delicious.

separated at birth?

after suffering a knee injury that would need about two months to recover, lakers center andrew bynum approached management to have his brother, actor tracy morgan, play in his place. bynum is on record saying, 'tracy may not be funny, and he may not know when to keep his shirt on, but he's one heck of a baller.' while some of the lakers' brass were tempted, they ultimately declined. phil jackson, not among those who considered morgan at the pivot in the triangle offense, was doubtful of his skills. the zen master wondered aloud why they would need tracy morgan to pretend he was andrew bynum when they could play someone else like the congolese basketball great, dj mbenga. 'i don't know what that would have accomplished,' jackson lamented. 'save for isiah thomas and entire atlanta hawks organization, i don't think anyone would be fooled considering the substantial foot and a half height difference.

though andrew bynum is the professional athlete of the two, tracy morgan purports that he is in fact stronger than his sibling. for proof, he says to look no further than andrew's smooth muscles. when told about morgan's comments, bynum replied, 'i don't know what's more shocking, that tracy would make such a claim, or that a show that has him in it won an emmy for outstanding comedy series, or that there exists a saturday night live: best of tracy morgan dvd. seriously, that thing can't be more than twenty minutes. ... i'd challenge him to any sport, any time, but since he has to wear some ankle bracelet, he really can't go anywhere. and even though i know i'm stronger, i can't dispute that i have smooth muscles.'

finally, in a related story, kobe bryant has stated that he wasn't trash-talking andrew bynum in a random parking lot last summer, but trash-talking tracy morgan's performance in little man. 'people confuse those two all the time,' kobe said, 'and i'm certain that's what i did then.' kobe went as far as to say that tracy's acting put the wayans brothers¹ to shame. the wayan brothers were not available for comment.

¹ how come when refering to the wayan brothers, it only refers to shawn and marlon. doesn't damon and keenan ivory feel slighted when this happens?

ice in their veins

hockey may be a dead sport in the eyes of many americans, but there is one thing that cannot be disputed about its players: they are tough cats [but not literal cats].¹ in a panthers-sabres game on february 10, 2008, florida defenseman richard zednik took a ice skate to the throat, slicing open a one and a half inch wide and a one and a half inch deep cut in his neck, leaving his carotid artery 'hanging by a thread.'



after suffering that life-threatening of an injury to the neck, most people would probably fallen over like a sack of potatoes in a matter of seconds and proceed to lay there until help arrived. but not richard zednik, and i imagine not many [or more accurately, everyone except paul kariya²] hockey players would have either. remember, these are the same people who love to bare-knuckle fist-fight while on ice skates. perhaps hockey players don't suffer as serious of injuries as other players in other sports [hard to imagine given all the physical contact], but rarely do hockey players stay on the ice writhing in pain as they clutch their injured body part. but such a scene is all too common in football and basketball [see dwyane wade³], and even in baseball it occurs more frequently. but with everything, there are exceptions to the rule, and the following shows what it takes to keep a hockey player on the ground.

editor's note: the following clip may be too graphic for some people. parental and viewer discretion is advised.



¹ literally, the toughest species of cat would be the saber-toothed tiger, while the toughest individual cat would be heathcliff.
² it's worth mentioning that when paul kariya finally got to his feet, he scored a goal later in the contest as the mighty ducks of anaheim took game 6 of the 2003 stanley cup finals. the lesson as always, scott stevens is a douche.
³ i will never understand why dwyane wade needed a wheelchair after suffering a shoulder injury. i'm pretty sure he doesn't need it to walk.

movie forecast: welcome home roscoe jenkins

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

martin lawrence is one of those actors whose movies aren't really worth paying full price to watch in a theatre, but whose movies can be viewed multiple times on television, and sometimes dvd [or vhs if living in east tennessee]. for example, i watch blue streak almost every time i come across it on tv [and by tv, i mean tnt]. i'm just looking forward to the time when wild hogs hits the rotation. on another note, it's funny how it wasn't too long ago that martin lawrence was acting like a crazy man, like the time when waving a gun in the streets after being taking the police on a high speed chase. now, one of his upcoming movies, college road trip, is a g rated family film. if he makes more movies like that one, he'll be on the same career path as eddie murphy and, heaven forbid, ice cube.

as for welcome home roscoe jenkins, the movie has a good cast with established actors, including james earl jones, who reportedly declined the sequel to gone fishin' to make this movie. this is interesting because james earl jones really hasn't acted in a movie [he's done plenty of voice work] in a long time, so it makes little sense why he would pick to do this movie. anyway, from the trailers, it looks like there will be a lot of mo'nique in this movie. i didn't think that it was possible to have more of her, but they've done it somehow. [i also find it hard to believe that martin lawrence would get beat up by mo'nique since martin was a golden gloves contender. i am certain this would never happen.] welcome home roscoe jenkins also has cedric the entertainer, so buyer beware. he hasn't been funny in most of his movies; he's clearly underachieving because i know he can funny, i guess it doesn't translate onto the screen, or at least hopefully it's that. ulimately, martin lawrence and this supporting cast will make this an entertaining movie that will be good for a few laughs.

prognosis : 7/10

happy chinese new year

here's to welcoming in the year of the rat.

the setting suns

on february 6, 2008, the suns and the heat[s] agreed to a trade where shaquille o'neal would go to phoenix in exchange for shawn marion and marcus banks. shaq is scheduled to receive roughly $40 million over the next two years [not including the current '07-'08 season] while marion can opt out of his final year of his contract after this season.

for a variety of reasons, the phoenix suns decided to move in a different direction with their team. by trading shawn marion and throw-in marcus banks for shaquille o'neal, they lose a player who can play multiple positions, shoot the three [although it's hard to tell if he's taking a jump shot or making a chest pass] and finish on a fast break; however, the suns gain a player who has won four championships, commands double teams and protect the paint on defense. while this may seem as a bad trade for the suns considering shaq does not fit into the offense as well as marion does, i can see this move working out for both teams.

this transaction will benefit the heat mostly because they are able to shed the albatross that is shaquille o'neal's salary. in exchange they receive what essentially is the equivalent of an expiring contract in shawn marion [assuming he opts out]. not only that, shawn marion is one of most versatile and durable players in the league. the heat are also getting a happier marion now that he will also be the second option on offense and actually have plays run for him, as opposed to rarely having any plays run him in phoenix. furthermore, at their respective points in their careers, marion seems to be the better player.

the only reason that i think that this trade may hurt the heat is if it alienates dwyane wade. it's been well documented that shaq and wade were good friends and in a recent interview after the trade was announced, wade was noticeably saddened by the news [though that can be attributed to the shock]. in the end, wade's reaction in no way guarantees that he will leave once his contract expires, but the heat should be wary. if the heat don't improve their roster and start winning again, i can't see him signing another contract for them.

as for suns, they already have been much maligned by the fans and the media alike for this move. suns' management have been more optimistic, and so they should be. for example, the suns have not been able to reach the finals with marion, with a main reason being that they were unable to get defensive stops down the stretch. as good a defender as marion is, he couldn't defend the elite power fowards and centers. in fact, in the first round of the 2006 playoffs against the lakers, marion couldn't even guard lamar odom or kwame brown. i don't even need to say how bad that is. additionally, once the game's tempo slowed down in the playoffs, they had trouble generating a reliable half court offense and/or maintaining a lead since they had to deviate from their running style to bleed the clock. the addition of shaq should alleviate both of those problems as their frontcourt will be bigger with amare stoudemire moving to the power forward position and having someone who is comfortable in a conventional half-court offense.

another criticism of the trade is shaq not being the same player that he used to be. true, he can't score or move as he once was able, but phoenix doesn't need his scoring as much as they need his interior defense and presence in the paint, something that marion couldn't offer. moreover, there is no excuse why they suns won't be able to run with shaq in the lineup. even if shaq can't keep the same pace, the suns have already proved that they don't need each player to run to maintain their running style with how they used kurt thomas when he was on the court.

some have said that this move was unnecessary since they had the best record in the western conference at the time of the trade. but their record was misleading; their impressive winning percentage comes from their 20-2 record against the east, compared with their 14-13 record against the west. the suns' reaction to the lakers acquisition of pau gasol was to trade for shaq, and though it may have seemed imprudent [especially since they had the better record], it does not mean it was foolish. the suns knew that they wouldn't be able to get through the playoffs with marion, and now they match up better with the lakers than any other western conference contender, including the spurs.

probably the biggest improvement in the suns acquiring shaq can be seen in the demeanors of their players. both steve nash and amare stoudemire crowed about how shaq's personality will help the team in the locker room. when shawn marion asked to be be traded this past off-season and said that he didn't want to be the third banana in phoenix anymore, it hurt the chemistry of the team, no matter what the suns' record and marion's stats may suggest. also, there were whispers that marion and stoudemire didn't get along, in contrast to shaq and amare quoted as being good friends. the suns seem to be happier with this trade, which in itself is worth much more than people realize.

in the end, the benefits listed of trading for shaq are contingent on his health. but it was a risk that they needed to take; the window for a championship is closing fast with nash not having too many years ahead of him. if they have a healthy shaq, they have a better chance in the playoffs than they did with marion, but then again, that's one big 'if.'