separated at birth?

in october of 2007, paul byrd was accused of using human growth hormone [hgh], a substance banned by major league baseball as a performance enhancing drug. while he did not deny the use of hgh, he claimed that it was prescribed treat a tumor on his pituitary gland. he further elaborated that it was under medical supervision, and that baseball knew that he was taking it. or so he says publicly. in actuality, few know the true reason as to why paul byrd ordered hgh. he was doing it for his secret twin, actor peter dinklage [or miles finch from the movie elf]. peter feared that he would be shunned by his 'little people' peers if they knew that he was taking human growth hormone in attempt to land more conventional leading roles. he didn't want to be to linked to any orders of hgh, so paul nobly offered to obtain some for him. so next time when a person tries to tell you paul byrd is a cheater, remember that he was just taking the fall for someone else.

college fooball in review: week eleven [11]

illinois at [#1] ohio state

illinois : for the fighting illini, the juice is loose [hopefully, this doesn't end in a double murder]. the fighting illini played loose while the buckeyes played tight, which was more apparent as the game went into later stages of the game. as a result, it was a big win for the fighting illini and a bigger loss for the buckeyes. hopefully ron zook can recover from the concussion he suffered when he was inadvertently hit in the head with the gatorade cooler in an attempt to shower him with the non-carbonated sports drink.

ohio state : america can breathe another sigh of relief now that an inferior buckeyes team has been defeated. most people outside of ohio could see that they were not the best team in the country, and that the only reason that they were ranked number one is because they were undefeated in a bcs conference. at any rate, the game was decided when they couldn't stop the run on a drive that last over 8 minutes that included with 13 straight running plays.

[#4] kansas at oklahoma state

kansas : although the jayhawks have a quality offense, it is disconcerting that their defense allowed so many points to a cowboys team. their defense let the cowboys come within five points after having a huge lead, which could be a sign that they can be mentally weak. with this win, the jayhawks keep their hopes alive to make the bcs championship game.

oklahoma state : just because their coach is forty, it doesn't mean that their defensive players like old men. although in their defense, they played a team in the jayhawks that has a good offense. in the end, it wasn't enough to beat that jayhawks.

[#18] auburn at [#10] georgia

auburn : the tigers looked poised to take control of this game, then inexplicably forgot how to stop the run. against the bulldogs, their defense broke down and allowed more points than they had in their previous five games combined. it also didn't help that quarterback brandon cox threw four interceptions, although the tigers should come to expect that type of play from him.

georgia : since the bulldogs wanted to keep it a secret that they were going to wear black jerseys, they warmed up in their red jerseys and switched to the black ones right before the game. unfortunately, no one had told their kicker, as he struggled to change from his red jersey to his black one on the sideline. as for the game, when it looked like momentum was on the side of the tigers, freshman running back knowshon moreno took the game into his own hands and wore down the tigers' defense. in other news, uga vi is still as temperamental as ever.

arkansas at [#24] tennessee

arkansas : besides john parker wilson, has their been another quarterback who has made worse decisions than casey dick [yes, that is his real name]? it became so bad to the point that houston nutt benched dick, and replaced him with nathan emert, a sophomore with little experience, in one of the toughest places to play in college football. [read: houston nutt is not a smart coach.]

tennessee : it's surprising to see that the volunteers were successful in containing the run against the razorbacks, namely darren mcfadden. although mcfadden did rush for over 100 yards, the volunteers' sure tackling kept mcfadden from breaking tackles or gaining any yards after contact.

air force at notre dame

air force : the cadets simply stuck to their game plan and the fighting irish had no answer. they outplayed, overpowered and outcoached their opponent the entire game. with that being said, i still wonder how they can compete when they field a team with players who are all the same size.

notre dame : the fighting irish lost yet another game in south bend to run their 2007 home record to 0-6. they didn't seem too prepared against air force, as the cadets ran the option about 90% of the time, to which the fighting irish were ill-prepared to defend. for that, the coaches are to blame. the only way for this season to be any more embarrassing would be a loss to duke at home next week.

movie forecast: fred claus

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

other than the masochistic impulse to commit career suicide, i have no idea why either vince vaughn or paul giamatti would ever agree to make fred claus. the only other reasons that i can think of why they would want to this movie are money, contractual obligations, and money. even with that being said, i don't know why would paul giamatti want to make such a silly movie after his latest string of films which gave him well-deserved recognition as one of today's greatest american actors. and i don't know why vince vaughn would resort to making such a formulaic children's comedy after the latest movies that he's done [on second thought, maybe i do]. it simply makes no sense. actors usually make these kind of movies so that they have more artistic freedom with later films, so it doesn't make any sense whatsoever that these two established actors would agree to do this.

as for the actual movie itself, fred claus is simply a poor man's surviving christmas or a homeless man's the santa clause. the plot involves santa claus [paul giamatti] and how he has to deal with his slacker brother, fred claus [vince vaughn]. someone please tell me how this is supposed to be funny. i'm sure none of it will be enjoyable for any type of audience, including children. it's basically a quick money grab just in time for the holiday season. hopefully, people will come to the realization that watching this would be a waste of time before deciding to give reason [ie money] for movie studios to make this sort of film.

prognosis : 2/10

nfl predictions: week ten [10]

minnesota at green bay

analysis : while adrian peterson is a terrific running back, let's keep things in perspective. he has only played 8 games, and while he has been impressive, he's not the best running back in the league [not yet at least]. with that being said, green bay will do a good job in containing peterson, mostly because to the play of their linebackers.

the pick : green bay

jacksonville at tennessee

analysis : the winner of this game will have no more than 17 points. both offenses will play poorly, but that is in large part due to the play of both of the defenses. i'm still curious if there are any other people who realize that vince young has been laying an egg on the field this year. he might not even reach 1,500 yards passing, which would only need about an average of 100 yards per game.

the pick : tennessee

denver at kansas city

analysis : the broncos have won a total of 3 games this season by a combined score of 9 points [and all have been on last second field goals]. the chiefs, on the other hand, have beat quality opponents, so they shouldn't have much of a problem with the broncos.

the pick : kansas city

buffalo at miami

analysis : although miami is winless at 0-8, it doesn't mean that they aren't capable of winning a game. the bills don't have much of a defense, and the dolphins do have some speed that would cause problems for their secondary. and after the dolphins win this game, the 1976 buccaneers will only have to wait for a rams' victory in order to pop open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the fact that are still the only football team with a winless season.

the pick : miami

st louis at new orleans

analysis : now that the saints have got their groove back, there is no foreseeable reason to see them losing to the rams. even though stephen jackson is supposedly healthy and starting for the rams, they are still in total disarray. it's time for them to start scouting the best players in the college game.

the pick : new orleans

cleveland at pittsburgh

analysis : the steelers will show no mercy against the browns. jamal lewis will struggle to get any thing more than 3 yards a carry. the steelers blitzing defense will confuse derek anderson and rattle what poise he has shown this season.

the pick : pittsburgh

philadelphia at washington

analysis : the eagles are in a tailspin that they won't be able to be able to recover. donovan mcnabb has played poorly, but it is clear that he is nowhere near 100% healthy. jason campbell should have his way against an eagles' secondary that is missing a few starters.

the pick : washington

atlanta at carolina

analysis : if sage rosenfels set back football 15 years, then panthers' starting quarterback matt moore will set football back to the era when the forward pass had not yet been implemented. the falcons also play football as though it were 1960, but that is partly because the team has quit on their coach. petrino is partly to blame for this, and i'm sure he has already been looking at where he wants to buy some beachfront property with all his buyout money.

the pick : atlanta

cincinnati at baltimore

analysis : with the bengals' defense playing as if they were wet toilet paper in the way they provide little to no resistance, the bengals' offense is forced to pass on almost every play to stay in the game. and while the bengals have good offensive players, it's difficult to run an offense when it becomes one-dimensional. granted, to say that the ravens' offense has even one dimension would be generous, the ravens' defense, as usual, will play well enough to win the game for them.

the pick : baltimore

dallas at ny giants

analysis : even though the giants lost to the cowboys in their first meeting, it was due to the play of their defense. in fact, the offense played quite well enough to win the game. the giants will be able to exploit the cowboys' biggest weakness, which is their pass defense [read: roy williams]. the cowboys will also play well, but it won't be enough to overcome the problems that they will have against the giants' defensive line.

the pick : ny giants

detroit at arizona

analysis : the lions are a team that a second collapse would seem likely, considering that they are an inexperienced team that has had a relatively easy schedule so far. the rest of the teams that they play in the second half are collectively much better, and they may fall victim to external pressure if they struggle for a playoff spot.

the pick : arizona

chicago at oakland

analysis : it's time for people to realize that the bears' defense are not what we thought they were. they have become quite average, which is the result of losing key players on their defensive line. without the ability to apply [some] pressure using only their front four, their cover 2 scheme is less ineffective, especially since their need to blitz their linebackers to get to quarterback will leave holes in the zone.

the pick : oakland

indianapolis at san diego

analysis : these two teams are on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as coaching goes. the colts in tony dungy have a major advantage over the chargers in norv turner. i fully expect dungy to undress turner throughout the game, and consequently, i expect norv turner to be buck naked by the middle of the third quarter. fortunately for the colts, this will translate well onto the field. but unfortunately for them, they will have to play with a nude man in their peripheral vision.

the pick : indianapolis

san francisco at seattle

analysis : even though shaun alexander is out for this game, i don't think the seahawks will miss his usual 15 carries and 40 yards that he brings with him, nor will they miss the way he crumples to ground whenever a live body approaches him. the 49ers should have frank gore back in the starting lineup, which will be the deciding advantage against the underachieving seahawks.

the pick : san francisco

separated at birth?

upon discovering that they were separated at birth, both rapper nelly and wide receiver steve smith exclaimed some nonsensical noises such as 'whoop!' and 'zoot!' after the intial excitement, they were seen partying in various cities around the south, although it has caused some confusion as to which posse they should bring when they travel together. being the pranksters that they are, sometimes they pretend to be one another, which would explain some tracks on nelly's previous album, sweatsuit.

college football in review: week ten [10]

navy at notre dame

navy : i've been trying to decide whether if navy were lucky or if they are simply better than notre dame. in the end, it really doesn't matter, as the midshipmen finally beat the fighting irish after 43 years. [by the way, i think it's more that they are better.]

notre dame : this may be the most embarassing loss for a team since the washington generals beat the harlem globetrotters. i'm still wondering why notre dame, after tying the game late in the 4th quarter, didn't decide to attempt a 41 yard field goal. with decisions like that, the fighting irish deserved to lose.

florida state at [#2] boston college

florida state : the seminoles did america a favor by defeating the screaming eagles and thus preventing them from going to the bcs championship. they won by playing well on both sides on the ball, mostly due to drew weatherford leading the offense and their defense getting timely stops and turnovers.

boston college : i doubt that many people believed that the screaming eagles were going to finish at number 2 in the bcs standings, so their loss this week didn't come as a surprise. matt ryan played poorly, but i suppose that everyone is entitled to an off-day. although i do hope that this does curtail any matt ryan for heisman campaigns and/or anyone in the media calling him 'matty heisman.'

[#3] lsu at [#17] alabama

lsu : the tigers seem to be the best team in the country, and they have the best player in college football [glen dorsey]. so it's a surprise to me that they always play in close games. i suppose that playing in close games doesn't mean that they aren't the best team, but it does say that they have plenty of flaws. against alabama, they were one 4th-and-4 away from losing. fortunately for the tigers, they converted the fourth down and won the game thanks in large part to a john parker wilson fumble.

alabama : i'm a certain that nick saban went home and punched holes in the wall right after this game. alabama had every chance to win this game, and played tight as the game got closer to its end. when it mattered, the lsu defense did not let the crimson tide move the ball down the field.

[#4] arizona state at [#5] oregon

arizona state : even though the sun devils came into the game the higher in the rankings, the ducks were always considered the better team. and it showed as the sun devils comparative inexperience to oregon showed. the good news is that they still only have one loss and their hopes to make the bcs championship game are still alive [barely].

oregon : the ducks called a brilliant game offensively. after scoring two touchdowns on swing passes, they throw a touchdown where they faked a swing pass only to throw to a receiver downfield. now that's what it means to get deep into a playbook. oregon is clearly the most consistent team in a strong pac-10 conference.

nebraska at [#8] kansas

nebraska : i think it's a safe bet that all of the returning players and coaches will be looking forward to next year's game against the jayhawks. not only will they want to avenge the loss on the field, but they also might be throwing molotov cocktails through the kansas players' hotel bedroom windows.

kansas : all i can say is that this was beatdown city. i don't know bill callahan slept with mark mangino's wife or what, but the jayhawks pulled a 'patriots' and just wanted to undress the cornhuskers.

movie forecast: american gangster

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when i learned that denzel washington and russell crowe were making another movie together, i wondered why anyone would want to see a sequel to virtuosity, because that movie was downright bad. and i'm pretty sure that ridley scott even directed it as well. anyway, denzel washington plays the same character he always plays [surprise, surprise], a hard-nosed person with strong values [in other words, he plays denzel washington]. in this movie though, he is a ghetto kingpin who wears ugly suits. russell crowe is supposedly the cop who is going to bring the whole operation down. that in itself may be the greatest leap that any viewer will have to make. seriously, i don't think it's very plausible that russell crowe has any allegiance to the law.

at any rate, i question if american gangster [doesn't its name sound like a working title that never changed and just stuck?] will be able to break new ground in a genre that has been beat to a bloody pulp far too many times. in the end, i think it will be a good movie, just not a classic one.

prognosis: 7/10

nfl predictions: week nine [9]

denver at detroit

analysis : basically the broncos have been living life on the edge and their only wins have been pulled out of their collective butt. the lions aren't much better, but their offense will exploit the broncos' shoddy run defense and injured secondary.

the pick : detroit

san francisco at atlanta

analysis : after being berated by bobby petrino all season long, then being benched, only to be back in the starting lineup due to his replacement's injury, joey harrington's morale would have to be similar to that of a hobo who just lost his shopping cart full of rusty nails. in any event, petrino has no idea what to do what this falcons team this year.

the pick : san francisco

cincinnati at buffalo

analysis : for some reason, chad johnson has gone from beloved prankster to perceived clubhouse cancer within a week's time. too bad he can't blamed for their porous defense, which is supposedly marvin lewis' strength as a coach. the bills are a competitive team who play tough at home when the weather becomes intolerable for visiting teams.

the pick : buffalo

carolina at tennessee

analysis : does any team hide their quarterback as well as the titans? vince young had less than 50 yards passing last week and they still won. hopefully soon people will realize the titans win games not because of vince young, but because of their defense. on the other side, the panthers remain of the most inconsistent and underachieving teams in the league.

the pick : tennessee

green bay at kansas city

analysis : the packers will continue to play as one of the elite teams in the nfc [which really isn't saying much], but it's not because brett favre is playing safer or taking less risks. the packers are winning because of their young and talented defense. the chiefs are surprising not the worst team in the nfl [that would be the dolphins], and herm edwards is doing well with what little he has.

the pick : the packers

san diego at minnesota

analysis : the chargers have found their groove from last season and look to finally seize control of the afc west. they will be more than what the vikings can handle on both sides on the ball.

the pick : san diego

jacksonville at new orleans

analysis : when quinn gray is your starting quarterback, this is not a good sign. the saints' offense will have a difficult time against the jaguars' defense, but the jaguars' offense will have a tougher time against the saints' mediocre defense.

the pick : new orleans

washington at ny jets

analysis : eric mangini makes the inevitable move of making kellen clemens the starter. too bad he doesn't have the same caliber of replacements on defense. the redskins are a quality team who will be looking to put a hurting on the jets after last week's beatdown.

the pick : washington

arizona at tampa bay

analysis : the buccaneers have no running game, but the cardinals don't really have much of a defense. fortunately for the cardinals, they have many weapons on offense that should give the buccaneers defense plenty of matchup problems.

the pick : arizona

seattle at cleveland

analysis : are the browns for real? i can't even tell if derek anderson is a legitimate quarterback or a flash in the pan. whatever the case, he won't be the browns' starter next year because brady quinn's contract is next the depth chart. seattle is looking more like annual nfc west winner who will only have 8 wins. it also doesn't help that the seahawks have a running back in shaun alexander who doesn't want to receive any contact from other players.

the pick : cleveland

new england at indianapolis

analysis : this is definitely the game of regular season no matter what happens the rest of the way. the patriots have been simply destroying people like it were rookie difficulty on madden. the colts have been doing their business as the only other undefeated team in the league. i imagine they will give the patriots a tough time, which means that they will only beat the colts by 21 points.

the pick : new england

houston at oakland

analysis : daunte culpepper or josh mccown will be starting for the raiders, which really won't make that much of a difference either way. sage rosenfels will be starting for the texans, which actually might set football back 15 years.

the pick : oakland

dallas at philadelphia

analysis : the cowboys will continue to assert themselves as the best team in the nfc, which isn't saying much since they got destroyed by the afc's best team only a few weeks ago. the eagles may give the cowboys a competitive game, but they just don't have enough to contend with them.

the pick : dallas

baltimore at pittsburgh

analysis : is there anything scarier in life than ray lewis having a personal vendetta against you? i suppose there is, but not much. the steelers remain the afc's third best team, but the gap between them and colts is far wider than the one between them and the afc's fourth best team.

the pick : pittsburgh

movie forecast: we own the night

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when face/off came out over a decade ago, i was excited to see the dynamic interactions between nicolas cage and john travolta. as for mark wahlberg and joaquin phoenix, not so much. judging from the trailers, we own the night seems like a movie that attempts to capture the gritty, street-tough look and feel. but what i get the most from the trailer is the visual of the guy who wears a burlap sack over his head. i'm guessing the purpose of the burlap sack is to disguise his identity, but aren't there better ways to conceal one's face that are better than that?

anyway, the commercials for this movie include the names of 'wahlberg. phoenix. mendes. and duvall.' i suppose they are trying to emphasize its star power, but when i saw the names i thought, wait a minute, mendes? it's a nice try trying to sneak in eva mendes with those other names, but i don't think many people are going to see a movie because it has eva mendes in it. i guess they thought that if she was sandwiched between bigger names then they could get away with it.

apparently this movie is about two brothers who are on opposite sides of the law, and for some reason the they join forces to take down the bad guys. it's not entirely original, but if done well, it can be entertaining. the action scenes look like they use real objects [as opposed to cgi], which is always a plus. areas where it could hurt the movie would be a cookie-cutter plot line, which i wouldn't be surprised if it was.

prognosis: 7/10

movie forecast: the heartbreak kid

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

ben stiller makes two kinds of comedies: good ones and bad ones. unfortunately, it looks like the heartbreak kid falls into the latter category. it seems like that's been the story with his latest movies, which should be a sign that people may be tiring of his act. i'm not saying that he won't make any more good comedies, just that his recent movies have been more or less the same [read: unoriginal, uninspired, formulaic, etc].

as far the heartbreak kid goes, the premise is supposedly about ben stiller realizing that his newlywed wife is not the person he expected her to be. apparently she is so neurotic that it results in ben stiller being trapped in some latin country [i want to say it's mexico, and if that's the case, i fear for his digestive system]. i'm sure the makers of this movie thought that hilarity would ensue, but i'm afraid that it won't [at least, not enough times to make it worthwhile].

prognosis : 6/10