movie forecast: sex and the city

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

when i get caught in inescapable situations where i have to listen to a group of annoying women [or people] talk about their lives, it literally takes away my will to live. although i have never seen an episode of the sex and the city series, i imagine it's much like that. i also don't know why anyone who isn't a fan of the show would want to see this movie, so to a make one is a bit curious.

another disturbing aspect about this movie for those who will be dragged to see this movie [read: men] is its runtime of 148[!] minutes. there is no need for this. i have no idea what takes place in this movie that it needs to be two and a half hours. my best guess is that it is revenge for all those lengthy sports games that women feel they are forced to watch. as for the actual movie, i expect it to offer more of the same as the television series. [one final note: when the time comes for someone to play a witch in an upcoming movie, casting directors should look no further than sarah jessica parker. i can't stress enough how much she reminds me of one every time i see her in anything. i've always thought that she should be hired to play the lead in a sequel to hocus pocus if there were unconscionably one to be made. imagine my surprise when i just found out she actually was cast as a witch in the original hocus pocus.]

prognosis : 2/10

movie forecast: the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian [or TCONPC to nerdy fanboys], has been billed as being more violent than its predecessor, the chronicles or narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe [or TCONTLTWATW], to the point that some parents have said that it is too violent. since prince caspian is rated pg, i must ask, how violent can this be? i doubt that this movie will show anything along the lines of severed limbs [unfortunately]. but in the case that it may be violent, it won't be to the point that it will quench anyone's blood lust. so let's not expect that prince caspian's level of gore to be anything unlike that of live action role playing [or LARP to those who love to play with fake swords on college quads everywhere].

aside from all the larping, the movie has the pevensie children returning to narnia one year later, only to discover that a thousand years has passed in narnia time. not only that, narnia has gone to pot. although most of the creatures that they knew are gone, the children do encounter some old friends, like the lion with an irish accent.¹ [i guess life expectancies of lions are higher in narnia for whatever reason. perhaps it is because there are no hyenas in narnia.] the children then ally themselves with the movie's namesake to capture the throne [or something]. in the end, there shouldn't be any surprises as to what will happen. it'll just be more of the same as the preceding edition. whether that's good or bad chiefly depends on previous impressions.

prognosis : 7/10

¹ similarly, the dragon in dragonheart has a scottish accent. it is a mystery as to how they gained such accents.

the hunter has become the hunted

there are some species of shark that are known to live up to a hundred years. unfortunately, for the james woods vehicle, shark, this will not be the case. on may 13th, 2008, cbs officially announced that shark would not be coming back for its third season, much to the dismay of its handful of fans. [personally i am not a fan, having only seen one episode.] when first being introduced by an avid follower to shark, it was described as a show where 'james woods is a successful defense attorney who becomes a prosecutor, so he knows all of the defense's dirty tricks. and his name sebastian stark, and that's why they call him shark!' well, if that doesn't draw anyone to watch the show, then i don't know what will. in the absence of watching james woods tough talk everyone on sunday nights this fall, i suppose i will surrender and give this sunday night football thing a try.

movie forecast: speed racer

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

don't be fooled. the wachowskis' inspiration for speed racer isn't the original speed racer cartoon, but mario kart 64's rainbow road. in fact, with its unique [read: terrible] visual style, the wachowskis look to unseat willy wonka and the chocolate factory as the trippiest movie ever. sure, it's rated pg, but don't believe for a second that they aren't secreting targeting the same type of people [babies excluded] who spend friday nights watching baby einstein.

it's unfortunate that the wachowskis chose to make speed racer a movie that honestly can only be enjoyed with the aid of hallucinogenics, since they could have chose any other movie to force upon the public their vision. instead, they chose to submarine a franchise with a decent following by making it look like a pinball game. i highly doubt that anyone would want to see this movie with the way it was filmed, let alone more subsequent movies in such a manner. although i do want it to be successful so that the wachowskis will say that there two more movies in the works and that they always envisioned speed racer as a trilogy, thus leading to overhyped and ridiculously awful sequels. anyway, underneath the veneer of visual psychedelia may lie a decent movie, but it won't be enough. in the end, the actors involved probably will look back and sheepishly regret ever being connected to such a film, while the wachowskis will think of new ways to ruin good movies.

prognosis : 3/10

movie forecast: iron man

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

the first two things that came to mind when i first heard that there was going to be an iron man movie starring robert downey jr were [1] who exactly is iron man's main enemy [answer: no one knows, not even wikipedia] and [2] what percentage of people going to see this movie will think this is an ozzy osborne biopic [answer: 3% in the united states overall, 35% in east tennessee]. but by far the most fascinating aspect of this movie is how much robert downey jr looks like a young al pacino in this movie, but based only on what al pacino looks like today. the thing is that young al pacino looks nothing like robert downey jr, but if people who didn't know what al pacino looked like in his younger days had to guess what al pacino looked like when he was young, they would most likely say that he looked more like robert downey jr in iron man than al pacino in serpico. this is so uncanny that while watching the trailers i'm basically waiting for robert downey jr to belt out a hearty 'hoo-rah!' after putting on the iron man suit.

another thing about iron man that is in its favor is its talented cast. for example, it includes robert downey jr, who was nominated for an oscar for chaplin, terrence howard, who was nominated for an oscar for hustle and flow, gwyneth paltrow [barely mentioned in the ads by the way], who won an oscar for shakespeare in love and director [and recurring friends guest superstar] jon favreau, who has seen the movie oscar multiple times. but even with a quality ensemble, none of its promotions rely on the big names but instead actual substance [unlike batman and robin, which almost singlehandedly killed comic book movies]. anyway, iron man surprisingly looks like it has amazing special effects and quite possibly be enjoyable, which almost guarantees a sequel [in which case i hope al pacino plays iron man's father].

prognosis : 8/10