27 December 2007

nfl weekly predictions: week seventeen [17]

new england at ny giants

analysis : there is nothing standing in the way of the patriots from going 16-0, nothing except for a tom coughlin-coached team. in other words, nothing is standing in the way of the patriots from going 16-0.

the pick : new england

buffalo at philadelphia

analysis : it looks like the eagles finally have momentum as a football team. unfortunately, there aren't any more games left in the season. andy reid should plan better for this scenario next season.

the pick : philadelphia

cincinnati at miami

analysis : the bengals are slowly becoming the arizona cardinals of the afc; they have a lot of players who put up great fantasy numbers, but they aren't anything more than a mediocre team.

the pick : cincinnati

carolina at tampa bay

analysis : did vinny testeverde really need to announce his retirement? did he do that so the other teams wouldn't call and tempt him to play next season? i really can't see any other team calling vinny to see if he's available. well, i take that back. i could see the atlanta falcons doing that.

the pick : tampa bay

new orleans at chicago

analysis : the saints need to win this game to keep their playoff hopes alive, which means that they well play poorly. the saints are simply not a good team, as their 7-8 record suggests. they have fallen short in every 'must-win' situation this year. there is no other reason to think that they will do otherwise against the bears.

the pick : chicago

jacksonville at houston

analysis : the jaguars are peaking at the right time, which means that they have a good chance to win their first round playoff game, only to get crushed by the colts or most likely, the patriots.

the pick : jacksonville

seattle at atlanta

analysis : for the falcons, this season couldn't end soon enough. they had a gutless coach who was replaced with a catatonic coach. they had their franchise player sent to prison who was replaced with a person who arguably plays the piano better than he plays quarterback. this is not right.

the pick : seattle

detroit at green bay

analysis : the packers must be glad that the bears didn't make the playoffs this year, as two of their three losses have come to them. the packers should put away the spiritless lions, who now have many players struggling with clinical depression after their second half slide.

the pick : green bay

san francisco at cleveland

analysis : it's interesting that the browns are currently the sixth seed in the playoff picture, but it doesn't matter if they win or lose in order to clinch a playoff berth. the only way they can clinch is is the titans lose. it's debatable that it's more important for the nfl that the 49ers win so that the patriots won't have as good of a first round pick in the 2008 draft.

the pick : cleveland

minnesota at denver

analysis : disregarding the possibility that games will end with ties, the vikings need to win this game and the redskins to lose in order for them to make the playoffs. fortunately, they are playing against a terrible broncos defense. if adrian peterson doesn't get somewhere around 35-40 carries, i will be shocked [except in the highly improbable case that this game is a blowout]. if brad childress deviates from this game plan, he will have learned a lesson the hard way, which is never trust tavaris jackson to win a football game.

the pick : minnesota

dallas at washington

analysis : as mentioned previously, if the redskins win, then they're in the playoffs. they will rely on todd collins at quarterback again this week, who has helped them win three straight games [including the game in which he replaced an injured jason campbell]. i'm not even sure how this has happened. at any rate, they get to play a banged-up cowboys team that has nothing to gain.

the pick : washington

pittsburgh at baltimore

analysis : the ravens are planning to start 2006 heisman winner troy smith. [remember him? no? give it a second. yes, that's right, he's the one that crapped the bed against the florida gators in last year's bcs championship game.] i'm not sure if this is going to end well for them.

the pick : pittsburgh

san diego at oakland

analysis : philip rivers has no place talking trash to anyone at any time. it would be as if brad johnson started jawing with opposing players. rivers has shown that he's a serviceable quarterback [at best], and he's not the reason the chargers win. they win because of ladainian tomlinson and a resurgent defense that is possibly/most likely fueled by performance enhancing drugs. that, and norv turner has finally figured out how to use a headset.

the pick : san diego

st louis at arizona

analysis : the cardinals have a strong tradition of disappointing fans, which means that they will play poorly in both their home finale and their chance to finish 8-8. [since 1985, the cardinals have only had one winning season at 9-7, and only one other season at 8-8. the rest of those years have ended in a losing season. yikes.]

the pick : st louis

kansas city at ny jets

analysis : i'm not even sure that either team want to play this game. i think time would be better spent if both teams just held a three hour self-esteem session at the hotel for the players.

the pick : ny jets

tennessee at indianapolis

analysis : the colts will not play their starters any longer than a few series, which is all the more curious as to why marvin harrison will start this game. the titans will treat this contest like a playoff game since their playoff hopes are dependent on its outcome.

the pick : tennessee

14 December 2007

movie forecast: i am legend

editor's note: for a detailed explanation of a movie forecast, click here

from what i have seen and heard, i am legend is a movie about a man [will smith] who has to deal with being the last man on earth. i'm not sure how much dialogue this premise can provide, but i don't think that will be a problem. i would watch this movie even if it were just will smith walking around muttering one-liners to himself the entire time. even though will smith is the last man on earth, it looks like he encounters some strange beings who want to kill him. i don't know what they are or why they are so angry, but my guess is that they are aliens, and everyone knows that aliens are like that. [i think at this point will smith will sign up to do any movie that involves aliens. he knows where the money is.]

i do think that this movie will be like any other will smith action movie, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. will smith is one of the few actors who is able to blend action and comedy seamlessly and successfully. he appeals to a wide range of audiences, which is part of the reason that his movies generally do well at the box office. he basically is the black equivalent to adam sandler. at any rate, if i am legend doesn't deviate too far from the formula of his other movies, i can't see how any will smith fan doesn't enjoy this movie. and on top of that, will smith sports a buzzed haircut for first time in lieu of his typical fade.

prognosis : 8/10

13 December 2007

nfl weekly predictions: week fifteen [15]

denver at houston

analysis : it looks like the broncos' offense is finally playing like everyone expected them to play like before the season started. still, it is too little, too late. the texans' fans, on the other hand, are still wondering what it's like to have for a running back sometime during the franchise's existence.

the pick : denver

cincinnati at san francisco

analysis : somehow the 49ers were able to hold adrian peterson to 3 yards rushing on 14 rushes. still they lost by 20 points to a team led by tavaris jackson. i don't know whether this is encouraging or discouraging for the 49ers. and in other news, rudi johnson apparently does have a pulse.

the pick : cincinnati

jacksonville at pittsburgh

analysis : as expected, the media made too much of anthony smith's 'guarantee,' which really wasn't even a guarantee if listened closely. after last week's beating, the good news for the steelers is that return to hines heinz field, where they are 7-0 this season.

the pick : pittsburgh

atlanta at tampa bay

analysis : while i can't say that i'm surprised that bobby petrino left the falcons, it is surprising is that he left the falcons with three games left in the season. unsurprisingly, his former players and many members of the media have not been kind to petrino. he has been much maligned and criticized by them, and he deserves every single bit of it. i view his move not only as dishonorable, but it shows that he lacks loyalty and has absolutely NO integrity. he is a quitter in the truest form.

the pick : tampa bay

seattle at carolina

analysis : seeing how the seahawks' fanbase have missed seeing a grown man who weighs 225 pounds crumple into a ball like a piece of paper, they are rejoicing to see shaun alexander back in uniform.

the pick : seattle

green bay at st louis

analysis : brett favre has maintained that he hasn't retired because he loves the game and that he has felt that the packers have a talent and have a chance to win a championship. but i think that the real reason that he hasn chosen not to retire is to pad his consecutive games started streak. he sees that peyton manning has started every game for his entire career, and shows no signs of slowing down. i believe that if manning every does miss a game, brett favre will announce his retirement almost immediately.

the pick : green bay

baltimore at miami

analysis : if playing the patriots was the ravens' super bowl, then terms of preserving nfl history, this game against the dolphins should be their conference championship. i'm sure they don't want to be the team that lost against what potentially is the first 0-16 team ever. hopefully this game leads to bart scott body-slamming [or pile-driving] a referee.

the pick : baltimore

ny jets at new england

analysis : i'm in the group who believes that the final score will be somewhere along the lines of 88-6. what would make this game even better would be eric mangini pleading for mercy sometime in the third quarter and bill belichick responding with, 'sorry, all out of mercy,' just like nicolas cage did in the blockbuster movie ghost rider.

the pick : new england

arizona at new orleans

analysis : with kate kurt warner playing so well [i use that term loosely], i wonder if the cardinals will keep him with matt leinart coming back next year. whoever may start, their offense depends on the health of larry fitzgerald and anquan boldin.

the pick : arizona

buffalo at cleveland

analysis : who knew that bills at browns would be this week's game that has the biggest playoff implications. everyone who says that the afc is strong need to look at this matchup and rethink that position. i expect derek anderson and the browns' offense to have a good game against the bills' defense. the game hinges on whether or not the browns' defense can stop trent edwards and the passing game. [if they don't, then they don't deserve to be in the playoffs. ever.]

the pick : cleveland

tennessee at kansas city

analysis : the key factor whether or not the titans win a game is not vince young, but rather their defense [and most notably the health of albert haynesworth]. the play of their defense is crucial in keeping the score low because the titans are not a team that will blow anyone out; they simply don't have the kind of offense that can put up that many points. fortunately for them, they will be playing the chiefs, who don't even have an offense that can blow out a candle.

the pick : tennessee

indianapolis at oakland

analysis : the injuries that the colts have suffered this year may be a blessing in disguise. it has allowed some of their inexperienced players to gain valuable playing time and in turn improve the team's overall depth. since they are also always mentally prepared, i can't see the colts struggling too much against the raiders.

the pick : indianapolis

detroit at san diego

analysis : this is a game that the lions desperately need to win to keep their playoff hopes alive. they have lost five straight since they were 6-2, and it looks like it their schedule will remain tough for the rest of the season. on the other hand, the chargers seem to have put things together [whatever that means] and all but clinched a playoff spot. with that being said, i still say that the chargers are not that good as their record may suggest.

the pick : detroit

philadelphia at dallas

analysis : the cowboys will continue to steamroll through the nfc by exploiting the eagles' secondary. the eagles do not have enough talent and depth on defense to contend at a high level for four quarters. this game may be close until halftime, but i expect the cowboys to pull away sometime in the third quarter.

the pick : dallas

washington at ny giants

analysis : what looked like a promising season for the redskins has collapsed because of bad breaks/decisions [eg joe gibbs' double timeout versus the bills, failed fourth and goal versus the giants], injuries [eg jason campbell], and tragedy [the death of sean taylor]. in the end it was too much for this team to handle. despite the annual eli manning second half slump and the annual quitting on the coach, the giants will clinch a playoff spot.

the pick : ny giants

chicago at minnesota

analysis : for once and for all, america will get to see battle of the real adrian peterson [minnesota] versus the fake adrian peterson [chicago]. i hope that if the real adrian peterson comes out with some kind of championship belt, and if he loses he has to give up that belt to the fake adrian peterson and lift up his hand like it were some changing of the guard.

the pick : minnesota

06 December 2007

nfl weekly predictions: week fourteen [14]

chicago at washington

analysis : it seems as though the odds are stacked against the redskins for this game. they are tired both physically and emotionally after traveling to and from miami for sean taylor's funeral. to compound matters, the schedule has not been forgiving as they face they bears on a short week. with that in mind, i do think the redskins are the better team overall.

the pick : washington

carolina at jacksonville

analysis : in the battle of the 1995 expansion franchises, the jaguars will show the panthers it's better to have a starting quarterback that isn't vinny testeverde. david garrard did not begin the 2007 preseason as the starter, but has been a reliable option at quarterback. the jaguars are a team that knows its identity, while the panthers seem so disorganized, they start a 44 year old man at quarterback [i can't stress this enough]. since the season is already lost for the panthers, i wonder why they are starting testeverde over david carr or some other young quarterback. they aren't planning on bringing him back to compete for the starting job next year, or are they?

the pick : jacksonville

ny giants at philadelphia

the analysis : for the giants, we can always expect two things to happen to them in the second half: the team quits on head coach tom coughlin, and eli manning plays poorly. and yet, the giants have made the playoffs despite such adversity.1 the eagles plan on starting donovan mcnabb, which could [and most likely] get ugly for him.

the pick : ny giants

st louis at cincinnati

analysis : even though the rams have started to regain some of their offensive production, they still don't have a very good team. the bengals seem to have their defensive struggles behind them, but that isn't to say that are any good on defense. it just means that they aren't historically bad.

the pick : cincinnati

tampa bay at houston

analysis : the buccaneers are playing well enough to make the nfc playoffs, but that really isn't saying much. their defense is much improved, and luke mccown didn't look that bad at quarterback. that being said, they need jeff garcia to play as soon as possible. as for earnest graham, who knew that he would be able to run the ball this well. i guess that's what happens when the fear of getting demoted to the practice squad is your main motivator.

the pick : tampa bay

miami at buffalo

analysis : the dolphins might have missed their best chance to win a game this season last week. now, they have to go to buffalo to try to win their first game, where the weather will be the bigger obstacle than their actual opponents. if the dolphins do happen to win, i wonder if the players will give head coach cam cameron a gatorade shower [both for his first victory and as a huge sigh of relief]. i hope this happens, although i think this could give him walking pneumonia.

the pick : buffalo

oakland at green bay

analysis : i'm still not convinced that the packers are that good of a team. if they played in the afc, i'm not sure if they would have a better record than the jaguars [read: the jaguars are better than the packers]. they may have some trouble with the raiders, although the weather and the overall whiteness of the crowd will give the packers more than enough to win.

the pick : green bay

dallas at detroit

analysis : the lions have lost 4 in a row after being at 6-2. unfortunately for them, the losing doesn't stop here. the most intriguing storyline will be if the kitna-newman feud will live up to any of its hype.

the pick : dallas

san diego at tennessee

analysis : the chargers may be playing well at the moment, but the titans are a team that has what it takes to defeat them [namely good linebackers who can contain tomlinson and a ball control offense]. vince young has been able to break the 100 yards barrier in passing the last few games, which can only mean good things for the titans, but bad things for purists who prefer the game to played without the option of the forward pass.

the pick : tennessee

minnesota at san francisco

analysis : adrian peterson will take advantage of the 49ers' defense like boise state took advantage of oklahoma's over-pursuit in last year's fiesta bowl. game over.

the pick : minnesota

arizona at seattle

analysis : with a win, the seahawks all but clinch a playoff berth. with a loss, the cardinals confirm that it is indeed sunday.

the pick : seattle

cleveland at ny jets


analysis : the browns are playing at a high level, although there are no signs that any part of it is due to coaching. they shouldn't have a difficult time with the jets, who do not have enough talent on defense to stop the browns [i never thought i would be saying that ever in my lifetime].

the pick : cleveland

pittsburgh at new england

analysis : after two weeks of looking beatable, the patriots have the steelers right where they want them. the steelers look overconfident heading into this game, which is never a good sign. the patriots may have trouble with the steelers in the past, but they will have no problem against them this week.

the pick : new england

kansas city at denver

analysis : i am shocked that travis henry won his appeal and will not be suspended. apparently his positive drug test was the result of secondhand marijuana smoke, and not the actual use of it. all of which is great news for the broncos, but my main question is how concentrated was the marijuana fumes around him that he tested positive for a drug test? i mean, was he trapped in the equivalent of a marijuana sauna? i really need to know the circumstances around this.

the pick : denver

indianapolis at baltimore


analysis : i must commend the ravens for playing with as much heart and emotion as they did last week against the patriots, but at the same time i wonder where that passion was the rest of the season. hopefully the ravens take something positive from that game instead of dwelling on the negative as they have been doing this past week.

the pick : indianapolis

new orleans at atlanta

analysis : i'm sure this was the marquee matchup that espn was expecting when they paid approximately $1.1 billion for this year's monday night games. even if this is a competitive game, not very many people will care.

the pick : new orleans

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05 December 2007

separated at birth?



it came as little shock to the public when it was confirmed by michael rosenbaum, richard jefferson and lord voldemort that they were indeed separated at birth. apparently, they have kept this hidden ever since the discovery their relationship to each other sometime in middle school, when a person close to each one of them tipped them of their bond. the source [he who must not be named] also told them that they were destined1 to do things that would change the world. while michael rosenbaum and lord voldemort had an idea early in life of what those things were [acting and evil wizardry, respectively], richard jefferson confessed that he didn't know what his fate would be until later in life. fortunately for richard, that changed when he finally realized he was going to be in the nba as the third best player on a slightly above-average team in a weak eastern conference. but when asked at what moment that he knew his destiny, richard replied, 'my windmill dunk. after i was able to do my first windmill, i knew it would alter basketball history.'

despite his affinity for his brothers, michael rosenbaum kept his relationship a secret so casting directors wouldn't reject him for roles. michael recalled, 'there was no way i could get parts in movies like poolhall junkies or sorority boys if people knew that my brother was an immoral wizard who had an obsession with killing a little boy. but after establishing the role of lex luthor, i knew that it would be okay for people to know all about us.'

in a rare interview, lord voldemort provided some insight into both of his brothers' character. when asked about michael, lord voldemort said, 'he always tried to be like me when we were growing up, especially in high school. i guess that explains why he plays such an awful person in lex luthor on the wb [currently the cw]. but as i have reminded him, playing a bad guy and being a bad guy are two different things.' speaking of malice, lord voldemort claims that his brother richard is worse than he and michael combined. the dark lord said, 'if you think i'm bad, richard makes me look like jean valjean. if you don't believe me, check the tape .' while lord voldemort has been accused of doing evil things, it seems as though that he isn't lying when it comes to richard jefferson's malapropisms, which has been authenticated by his current teammates. when confronted about these rumors, jefferson was unable to provide any answers.

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